And May You Stay Forever Dumb

Album: Kiss, Lick It Up, 1983

Best Track: "Gimme More"

Lasting Memory: I received Kiss' Lick It Up as a Christmas present in 1983, just after I turned 14. My sister Clair, who had just turned 18 and who was in her second year at Georgetown took one look at the cassette and said, as I recall, "You know, someday, you will be very embarrassed to own that."

Knowing, as surely as any 14 year old knows they know better, I shot back, "No way! I'll be 35 and still lovin' metal."

Guess who time proved right?

Yup, me. So there, Clair!

I still do have a soft spot in my ear for a lot of the proto hair bands. I've already given Def Leppard more than their due for Pyromania. Down the line, I'll have kind words to type about Motley Crüe's first two albums and Love at First Sting by The Scorpions. And if you're waiting for me to harsh either Rush or Triumph, then you just don't know me at all.

Kiss's Lick It Up, though, is a suckhorse of a different color. It flunks the test of time largely because it wasn't any good to begin with. I'm not embarrassed to own this album, so much as I'm regretful that it's taking up space in my cassette organizer that could be given over to say, Ratt's Out of the Cellar.

I was never a member of the Kiss Army, so I own only this one terrible album and can't say with full assurance that the only thing Kiss ever had going for it was the makeup, pyrotechnics and blood-spitting. I can definitively state that I do not look forward to hearing any the band's hits from the 1970s on the radio, and that since Lick It Up was the first album Kiss recorded after its members removed their makeup, it is extremely likely that the band was always more show than go.

The best thing that can written about Lick It Up is that is aspirational. It expresses, for instance, the then-30-something members' desire to still be "Young and Wasted," while at the same time giving the band's 12-year-old fans a way to sing loudly about their own desire to be old enough to get young and wasted.

I've forgone my usual licentious linking because I'll be writing about most of the bands that received favorable mention and because you do not want to hear too much of 1983 vintage Kiss. Everything you need to know to confirm that I have acted in your best interest can be seen here.

Try to put that out your mind and have a good weekend despite it all.

Up Next: Kitchens of Distinctions, The Death of Cool, 1992