Jane, Get Me Off This Crazy Thing

Eleven days ago, I had a genuine Cap Barbell Omega Elliptical machine delivered to my home. I am pleased to report that I am now $430 lighter.

Thank you. You're a beautiful audience.

I have actually managed to climb on the thing every day since its arrival and assembly. You shouldn't congratulate me for that, primarily because I have spent pretty much every waking minute during the past two weeks congratulating my own self for embarking on my latest fitness kick.

"Kick" is an apt description of what using my machine is like. Unlike higher-end ellipticals, the Omega Elliptical has no motor. The only way to make the pedals and handles move is to, you know, move them by pumping your legs and arms. This is both diabolically Newtonian and a great advantage for someone like myself who was in such bad shape two weeks ago that I got winded just unpacking the delivery box. (I still have yet to work up a sweat while using the machine that is equal to the sweat I was working by the end of the two hours of elliptical set-up.)

Since there is no coasting on the Omega Elliptical -- only go and stop -- I have been forced to either just stand perched on the thing like an idiot or pump away.

I'm averaging about 30 seconds of perching like an idiot per workout.

On the better side of that admission, I have increased my actual exercise time from 6 minutes on the first day to 20 minutes today. The lesson there is that if you really want to find out how out of shape you are, start trying to get back in shape. The further lesson is that you just need to get back on that metaphorical horse because, even though it can be hard to keep going, quitting is for . . . quitters. I guess.

My goal is to be able to do 45 minutes on the elliptical machine. I've been able to go that long in the past, and I can't see any reason why I shouldn't be able to do it again. Of course, the last time I could spend 45 minutes doing a cardio workout, I was also capable of benchpressing more than 400 pounds. I know that bench is never coming back, so I'll take what I can get now. There's no reward to be gained from lamenting the ever-dimming image of the unbelievably fit Ed anyway, especially since he wasn't at all thin either.

Wish me luck on my endless journey to nowhere. I mean "health."