Anarchists Who Attend Meetings Miss the Point

Album: Mojo Nixon, Otis, 1990

Best Track: "Don Henley Must Die"

Lasting Memory: Whenever I catch an episode of The Andy Griffith Show, I think about this album because the inside of the cassette cover features a list of famous Otises -- Otis the Drunk, Otis the Elevator, Otis Sistrunk, etc.

Played by prolific and deceased voice actor Hal Smith, Otis Campbell is right up there with Frank Pembleton at the top my of list of all-time favorite television characters. As written, the character of Otis was the most responsible alcoholic who ever lived. He had and kept a good job. He was reasonably happily married. He had his own keys to Mayberry's police station and holding cells so he could lock himself up when he needed to sleep off a bender. Otis was fictionally a man who knew how to balance his vice with virtue.

I suspect that Mojo likes Otis Campbell for the exact same reasons I do. Because while Mojo espouses anarchy -- consequence-free irresponsibility, actually -- in songs like "I Ain't Gonna Piss in No Jar" on Bo-Day-Shus!!! and "Took Out the Trash and Never Came Back," he clearly understands that in real life that with great libertarianism comes great responsibility. Here's what Mojo had to say about his political and social philosophies during a 1999 interview with The Onion A.V. Club:

Onion: Can you outline your political platform?

Mojo Nixon: Basically, I'm just saying one basic thing: Take responsibility for your own actions. You make decisions, and you live by 'em. If you were dealt a bad hand, you've still gotta play cards. Or you can fold and get another hand. But you can't sue somebody and get a new hand! People always want to blame somebody or something. It's always somebody else's fault. But it's your own damn fault. The government, the church, the state, the lawyers, the doctors. ... It's not their fault, it's not your parents' fault, it's your fault. People always want to blame someone else -- right-wing talk-show hosts, or rap musicians, rock 'n' roll, or whatever. All this whining and crying and pissing and moaning and suing everyone has gotta stop. You make decisions and you live by 'em. And then you die. Then other people get to make decisions and live by them. It's pretty fuckin' simple! Now, it's who can hire the most lawyers and wear the other person down so they give up and you win. Whoever has the most money can hire the most lawyers and eventually win. Same thing with the election process. The idea is that there's supposed to be a marketplace of ideas and you vote for who you think is best. But that's not true at all. It's whoever can raise the most money, can hire the smartest people, and make the best button-pushing ad to get elected. We have diluted justice and democracy by putting money into it so deep. I've been working on this thing, The Mojo Manifesto. I'm gonna solve all these problems. I'm just having a little trouble figuring it out.

O: Do you vote?

MN: No, I don't vote. I think the last time I voted, I voted for Carter. I don't think it makes a difference. I think the Republicans and the Democrats are just selling us the same bag of shit with different colors on it. They're both battling in the same middle 10 percent of the total spectrum of political ideas. People were so excited -- and I, too, was excited -- when Clinton was elected, but all Bubba can really do is put a smiley face on things. The giant bureaucratic machine, the Defense Department, the Department of Transportation, the IRS. ... All these things just ride along. They don't even know Bubba's there. And look at Bubba--he can't stop these things. Look how worn-out and beat-up he is. Because of the way the whole system is based, you get the most money, which comes from the most evil people, whether it's cigarette money or HMOs or whoever, and they're going to keep things the way they are. They're going to bamboozle us into making us think we're getting reform when what they're really doing is protecting their asses. In the big picture, the Republicans and the Democrats don't have a clue. They don't have any intention of solving any of our problems. Their only plan is to get re-elected; their only plan is save-ass: "If you give me money and vote for me, I'll try to save any stupid thing you want." It's sound and fury signifying nothing, and I'm calling for a new constitutional convention. If that doesn't work, I'm calling for armed insurrection! I mean, we're totally drifting around in a sea of stupidity and indecision. We agreed 200 years ago to have a constitution and to fight the king. We need to agree on something now besides football and pizza.

O: Are you thinking of joining a militia?

MN: No, I'm not going to blow up people; I'm going to blow up the infrastructure. I'm gonna shoot satellites out of the sky. And I also think that the ideas of doctors and nurses and HMOs are lousy and inefficient. It's all just a big money-grab, hiding behind the veil of, "We want to help you." They don't care about helping people. If you want to make money, there are plenty of ways. Become a lawyer. Become a widget salesman or something. Medicine should be about finding cures and healing people, not about making more money. If people are sick, we should try to make them well, not try to get as much money out of them as possible and keep 'em just alive to milk 'em 'til the end. It's wrong.

O: What's your solution?

MN: We need to reform the whole thing. We need instant voter registration when you turn 18. They're still using paper to register people to vote! You should be able to walk in anywhere with your social-security number, and they can check the computer and see if you've voted already. We need to get rid of the Electoral College; we need to open things up a little bit. That's why I'm calling for a new constitutional convention to unveil Mojo's new 10-point plan. I'm also calling for a billion dollars in research for the male G-spot. If you're gonna waste money, let's waste it for a good reason.

I agree with everything he said here except for abolishing the Electoral College. All people have the inalienable right to be occasionally reckless so long as they are more often responsible. Mojo for president, indeed.

Double indeed.

Up Next: Van Morrison, Moondance, n.d. (cassette reissue)